I Think It's Working!

Friday wasn't a better day at work.  Maybe worse.  But the weather's been okay, sometimes warm and a little sunshine here and there.  I went out to a good show last night, and on balance, the great music seemed to outweigh the shitty venue that's run poorly.  Today, I gathered some volunteers and did some work for the music nonprofit.  Some walking around, some good company, and I found myself with both the time and the...oh, inspiration makes it sound like such a big deal, like the sky opened up and the hand of god tapped me on the top of my head.  I found myself with the time, interest, and energy to make some jewelry, and I'm happy with that.

Trudging Toward Inspiration

It was one of those days today, I think.  You know the ones.  I started my workday with a frustrating argument over something that seems obvious.  I then went out to grab a sandwich, and the cheese was moldy.  Next up, I made what I thought was a successful call to a child's insurance company.  More on that later.  A long and arduous meeting with some emotional folks, then finally I could go get that sandwich replaced.  The coffee shop was really nice about it, but there's just no way that second sandwich was going to taste good, you know?  I then sat down and (figuratively) held a barely tween-aged girl's hand as a lawyer sat her down and convinced her to sue the State of Oregon.  He had a point, but damn, what a weird and depressing situation.  Is that really my job?  About a quarter to five, after another child refused to meet with me for therapy, I was feeling more than done for the day, and thinking about getting out of there, when my phone rang.  It was a psychiatrist, who had heard from a mom, who had gotten a call from that insurance company.  They weren't paying anymore, and she had to drive two hours each way over some mountains to pick up her kid tonight.  Um...what?  Last I heard was "we'll pay for another week in residential treatment, and call us then to talk about more."  That was this very morning.  After many frantic phone calls, I found out that mom can wait until tomorrow to come get the kid.  Whew, I guess. 

So after all that, I decided to stop in at Hopworks for a pint and a slice.  I snuck in just under the wire for happy hour and had an oh-so-tasty Secession Cascadian Dark Ale (it's hoppy like an IPA, but dark like a porter), and headed home.  It's so hard to feel inspired after all that, on a late January day that started and ended foggy and chilly (it was actually sunny and not too cold in the middle of the day).  It was dark by a little after five, completely dark by the time I left work at almost six.  And now I'm sitting at home without an inspiration in my head. 

Which leads me, in a roundabout way, to my thesis for this post.  I guess where I'm going with all this is that what I take in every day is a huge influence on what I put back out.  Crappy workday in...blog post full of complaining out.  Chilly, dark January in...bleak and tired laziness out.  Time to put some effort into taking some really good stuff in.  Last night was a start--I went to the local science museum's grownups-only evening, which was a ton of fun.  Tomorrow night is a show of bands I'm really looking forward to, and Saturday night is a party.  Sunday, maybe another show.  And I may circle back to this for a while, because it still haunts me a bit:  Creating something every day is perhaps not the best goal for me.  I always wondered about those artists, of any medium, whose lives were solely about their art.  Shouldn't art be about life?  If your life is your art, and your art is about life, eventually your art is about...art.  Which becomes more and more removed from life, alienating all others except other artists in the same position you're in.  I'm not in any way an artist, but many of the things I do require creativity and flexibility.  So perhaps the most important thing I can do sometimes, especially this time of year, is recharge my batteries, take in more life.

Things that recharge me right now:  Excellent food, beer, wine, spirits.  Trying new things.  Getting out.  Passionate conversation.  Sex.  Sunshine.  Exercise, especially when it's nice enough that it can happen outdoors (hell, who am I kidding?...that's the only way I get any).  Doing new things.  Live music (as always).  Successes.  Little successes.  Tiny, itty-bitty, almost invisible successes that only make a difference to me.  Pampering myself.  Being appreciated.     


Perhaps my belated New Year's resolution is the resolution I've been trying to put my finger on for years:  I create myself every single day.  If I fail to do that, I can't create anything else.

Make Something EVERY Day?

It seems like every creative type vowed to "make something every day" as their 2011 New Year's resolution.  I feel like I'm not necessarily a creative type, just someone who happens to create things sometimes.  I also don't make New Year's resolutions.  They are too strongly identified with being destined for failure.  Change, to me, is continual, not episodic.  But I keep thinking about this.  Every day?  Weekends too?  Why can't I get this idea out of my head?

Maybe I already make something every day.  It may not be crafty.  It may not be for my Etsy shop.  I make decisions.  I make a kid's day brighter.  I make time for others.  Most days, I even make something concrete that you can hold in your hand (well, in some cases that might be messy). 

Yesterday...well, that's a tough one.  The closest I got to "making" something concrete was writing a cogent essay on why a child needs to keep getting the mental health treatment he's getting.  I made a list of volunteers who may be able to help with a project.  I edited a few photographs of my jewelry, which is kind of like making something, right?  It's a stretch, I know.  Monday, I made dinner from scratch.  It was this stew of lentils, mushrooms, and greens, and I thought it was pretty good.  That totally counts.  Sunday's another hard one.  I can't think of a single thing I generated on Sunday.  Saturday, I walked up a volcano.  It's only a little volcano, right in the middle of the city, but...um...I made it to the top.  I know, that's terrible.  Friday, I made a painting of a birthday cake in Crayola watercolors for a child (she made me a watercolor of a garden with flowers, a lawn, and a blanket so I can watch the fireworks she painted in the sky).  Since Friday, I've also been making new blood cells, since I donated when the Bloodmobile was at my office.

I think I partly need to remind myself that I generate things all the time.  Things of value, things I'm happy with.  Some days, I may need to put a little effort into creating something for the day.  And Sundays, maybe I just need to give myself permission to take a day off.

Embarking

I've got a lot on my plate, and I'm pretty sure that's the way I want it.  I feel like I need to focus a little on making it all fit, making it all work, and enjoying it.  Maybe along the way, I'll start paring down.  Maybe I'll find out how to streamline it all so I can fit more in.  I sure hope I gain some renewed appreciation for my life as it is, fueled by ADHD, coffee, and the constant quest for novelty.

So that's why I'm here.  Focus, appreciation, and some attentiveness to what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, and most importantly, why I'm doing it.

Projects I've undertaken or kept up in the past couple of years:  Full-time (plus some) job as a child and family therapist, consulting on the side, volunteer and (recently) board member for a music nonprofit, a pretty awesome relationship with a pretty awesome guy, gardener, cook, crafter, bowling league, kickball league, music listener (my other blog, neglected as of late, is about my show-going experiences), baseball fanatic and fantasy ball player, occasional traveler, beer aficionado, budding wine enthusiast, novice whiskey drinker, reader, DIY enthusiast, hiker (sort of).  Some of these (kickball, bowling, and to some degree, consulting) I've kind of dropped along the way.  Some (the music blog, reading books) I'm terribly inconsistent about.  Most I could probably be more serious about.

Projects I've seriously thought about undertaking (or taking up again):  Learning to sew, playing an instrument or singing (things I did as a kid), skiing (something else I did as a kid), snowshoeing, real hiking, getting some more exercise, actually marketing my craft stuff so people buy it, calling my grandmas more often, calling my dad more often, consulting on the side (someone just asked me if I still consult and would work with them), getting licensed as a psychologist, getting more exercise, cleaning my apartment, buying a new car, selling or donating a bunch of stuff I don't need, figuring out what that stuff is, budgeting or at least keeping track of my expenditures, learning to knit, some basic metalworking, silkscreening, keeping my music blog up better, re-joining a bowling league, and traveling to all sorts of places.

I'm going to figure out how to balance gratifying my burning desire to try everything with not running myself ragged.  And how to finish some of the things I start.  And I'm going to invite everyone along for the ride.  Welcome to my overcommitted life.